A loud sound woke me up.
My phone was ringing.
I rolled over, checking the time on my watch. It was 3:45 a.m. and still dark. Rubbing my eyes, not understanding what was happening, I picked up the phone without realizing who called. “Hello?”
“Hey Lia, it’s me.”
I rubbed my eyes again and sat up on the edge of my bed. Groggily, I responded, “Sorry, who is this?”
The voice of a girl replied, “Gosh, is my number not saved in your phone?”
I didn’t know what to say and it took me obviously too long, because the girl said, “It’s Vicky. Your friend. Do you know who I am?”
I could literally hear the loud click in my brain as my senses slowly woke up. “Yes, of course. Vicky, what’s going on?”
“I was partying with some of the other girls and fell asleep on the train. I got out quite a few stations late and was wondering if you could pick me up? I checked in my Maps app and you’re actually not too far away.”
It was the middle of the night.
What the heck? I was so tired. I went to bed late last night, still writing my essay which is due at the end of the week. “Vicky, I gotta go to university tomorrow – or actually today, in a few hours!” I moaned.
“Yeah, I know. Look, I get it. I know you’re super busy, but I’m really stuck here. I would so so appreciate if you could give me a hand here.” She said almost begging. Glancing at the time again, I sighed. What was I supposed to do? I threw my head back and stared at the black ceiling. Then I said, “Fine. Whereabouts are you? Can you just send me the details?”
“Yeap, sure. No problem. Thanks so much, you’re a star! See you in a bit!” And she hung up.
A few seconds later, I received a text with the details of the whereabouts of this train station. It turned out, it was a 30-minute drive. I sighed again, threw some clothes on, and went to grab my keys.
While driving, my grip tightened on the steering wheel, knuckles whitening. A heavy sigh escaped me, followed by a muttered string of questions to the empty car. 'Why, Lia? Why do you do this?' My glance flickered to the clock, the glaring 3:50 a.m. illuminating my frustration. A silent, inner battle raged on, my foot pressing harder on the accelerator as if trying to outpace my own thoughts.
Victoria was sitting at one of the benches in front of the train station, head in her hands, supported by the armrest. I rolled down the window, calling, “Vic!” But she didn’t move an inch.
I called again, this time louder, but again nothing. Sighing in frustration, I put my car in park and got out. Shaking her arm and calling her name, she finally reacted. “What’s going on?” She jumped.
“Vic, it’s me, Amelia. Come on, let’s go home.”
She nodded, grabbed her bag, and hopped into the car.
By the time I dropped Victoria off and got back to my place, it was close to 6 a.m. For a moment, I wondered if I should go back to bed, but I had a class this morning and my alarm would probably go off shortly. Besides, I was awake anyway.
I was looking forward to this day and the weekend. I had planned it as a me-day, as for once I only had some classes in the morning. I hadn’t had a day for myself in a long time. To start with, I intended to try out the new lunch bar around the corner from my place. The food was meant to be amazing, and I’ve been wanting to go for ages. In the afternoon, I would come home, study for a couple of hours, and end the day with a hot chocolate on the couch and my favourite book. The weekend was meant to be similar. I wanted to focus on myself as much as possible.
With the early start, even if being tired, I decided to have a longer shower. Just before I could hop in my phone beeped again. ‘What is it with this morning?’, I thought and wished I had turned off my phone.
My mum, as usual being an early bird, wanting to know if I was coming home this weekend. My mind went blank for a moment. Thinking about my desire to do some things for myself, I hadn’t even considered going home until now. I checked my schedule. Although I knew it was free, I would need to do some study, to finish another essay due the following week. I didn’t want to set it in stone just yet.
‘Didn’t Mike invite everyone to his party on Saturday night?’, I wondered. I would have to ask him again. Another beep, another message from my mum. “I know you’re already awake. It’d be great if you could let me know rather sooner than later.”
I sighed. Sometimes my mum was quite intense. Still standing in the bathroom, wrapped in my towel, I replied that I wasn’t sure yet. “When do you know?” She sent the text almost immediately, and then added, “I would really like to see you. And your grandmother as well. She hasn’t seen you in so long.” I felt guilt trapped. It was true that I hadn’t seen my grandmother in a while, however, it felt like she wanted me to have a bad consciousness to come home. I sighed again. Another wave of exhaustion hit me, which made it harder to think. I knew my mum was staring at her phone in this very moment, waiting for my response. Then, despite not wanting to say yes, but feeling the need to keep her happy, I texted, “I’ll be there.”
“Great, looking forward to it. See you then.” My mum replied.
Before anyone else could disturb me again, I decided to put my phone on silent at least until I was ready to go.
I began my studies about a year ago, and while my partner, Zane, wished that I had moved in with him, my parents urged to get my own apartment first. Now, I lived close to my partners place, yet in between the university and the home I grew up in. I still had to commute about an hour in both directions, while all I wanted was to live and study in the same city.
On the train to university, I usually got some studies done, however, with Victoria waking me up so early, there was no way, I was able to focus on it. It wasn’t like I slept through every night, or I didn’t have a lot going on in my life. Even though my part time job was only 10-15 hours a week, it was quite challenging. Plus, it seemed like everybody in my life constantly wanted me to do something for them, that included my family and partner, as well as friends and colleagues. How much could one person possibly take?
Before going to class, I headed to the cafeteria, trying my luck with a coffee to somewhat wake up. Just when I turned around to move towards the course room, a friend of mine bumped into me, almost tipping over my coffee.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Aaron said. Even though I felt a hint of annoyance, I replied, “That’s okay, don’t worry about it. Nothing happened.” Aaron smiled, happy that I wasn’t upset. “Will you be at Mike’s party on Saturday?” He asked, while we both made our way to class.
‘Damn’, I thought. ‘It really was this weekend.’
I sighed. “Ummm… I wanted to, but I think I might have to stop by my parents.”
“What?” He asked in disbelief. “Oh, come on, you’re only a student once in your life. I’m sure your parents can wait another week to see you.” He winked and gave me a light slap on the shoulder. “It’d be great to see you there.” Looking deep into my eyes, he smiled. Had I ever noticed him smiling like that?
I tried my best to smile back; however, worries and concerns filled my mind. ‘What would my mum say?’ I wondered. She had probably already called my grandma for her to join us for dinner.
Another beep from my phone. Anger rose in me, for simply having a phone. I felt like throwing it against a wall. I couldn’t bear another beep, another message. Taking a deep breath, I looked at the text. It was from Zane.
“Hey, my meeting was canceled. Do you want to swing by after your classes? I could use a hand with reorganizing the furniture in the living room.” I lifted one eyebrow and thought, ‘Are you serious?’
No good morning, how are you?
Or, how’s your day been so far?
It was only 8 a.m., and I was already stressed and overwhelmed. And it was meant to be my day.
I saw another friend of mine waving urgently to come in, as the class had already started. Annoyed, I tugged my phone away, and quickly headed into the room.
It was hard to focus on the class. My mind was filled with whatever everybody else wanted me to do, so I tried to come up with a plan.
I would go see Zane, straight after class, to help him with his furniture. I would have to skip the lunch that I had planned to go to, but I told myself that the lunch bar would surely still be there next week. Then going home, I would do my planned studies, and still finish with the hot chocolate and my book. Tomorrow, I would get up early, drive home to see my parents and grandmother, spend some time with them and it should give myself enough time to come back, change, and go to Mike’s party.
It was different than what I had imagined but sometimes you just have to do things for others. After all my classes finished, I glanced at my phone again. A wave of regret washed over me almost instantly. ‘I should’ve just left it in the pocket untouched,’ I thought. Messages from my mum, Zane, and Vicky. I exhaled, slow and steady, trying to keep it together. I was back to wanting to throw my phone into a brick wall.
While I walked to the train station, I began reading through it.
Vicky's words appearing almost too cheerful for the screen. "Hey, I’m finally somewhat awake. Thanks for last night. Why don’t you come by tomorrow morning for a coffee?" As I read, I could almost hear the bubbly tone in her voice, the kind that suggested she had already bounced back from last night's misadventure, oblivious to the ripple effect her request had created.
Zane on the other hand, seemed upset, “Lia, did I do anything wrong? Why are you not replying? Can you please just come to my place?”
And my mum just likes to organize and communicate, “Honey, I’ve already done the shopping for tomorrow’s dinner and grandma is going to make some dessert! So excited to see you soon.” She ended the text with a kissing emoji.
Clearly, I was not getting out of dinner with my mum and my grandmother. Maybe I could get out of helping Zane. After searching for the right words, I gave him a call.
“Hey”, he answered shortly.
“Hey, how are you?” I asked.
“Okay”, was all he said.
I didn’t know what to respond. He almost seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me.
Then I remembered the reason why I called him. “About your text from earlier, I thought, maybe, we could move it to Sunday or Monday? I gotta go –“
But he interrupted. “No, I can’t do either day. Listen, if you don’t want to help me, then just say it.”
“No, no it’s not that. I’m happy to – “
But he interrupted again. “Well, so, can you make it now or not?”
He sounded upset. Of course, I didn’t want to make him upset, and of course, I wanted to be there for him and help him. ‘Why do I find myself in these situations over and over again?’ I wondered.
I stopped and closed my eyes for a moment. I could feel the heaviness on them, the exhaustion hitting me like a ton of bricks. Sighing, I finally opened them again, and said, “I’m on the next train. I’ll be there in just over an hour.”
I could hear his voice lighten up. “Great! See you then!”
And he hung up.
On the train, I found myself a seat at the window. Intending to study, I reached for my laptop, just when I remembered that I hadn’t replied to Vicky and my mum yet. Taking out my phone again, I let my mum know that I was really looking forward to seeing them. I knew a message like that would make her happy. Vicky, however, I didn’t want to visit. Knowing that I wouldn’t get as much done today, as I intended, I surely had to move some studies to the weekend. I quickly made up an excuse, saying I had to go to my parents early, and I wouldn’t make it.
Only a couple of seconds later, my phone beeped, signaling her reply.
“Oh, that’s convenient. I’d love to do some shopping. Which train will you be on? We could grab some coffee there?”
‘Damn,’ I thought. ‘That blew up in my face.’
Not knowing how to turn this mess I created for myself, I told her that I would take my car to make it to Mike’s party in time.
She instantly asked, if I was able to pick her up first, and I told her it’s no problem.
I rested my head on the window, watching the scenery pass by. Closing my eyes, I wished I could have the weekend I had planned for myself.
Helping Zane took longer than expected and by the time I got home, I knew I wouldn’t have the time nor the energy to read my book. I still had to study. As I shuffled towards my apartment, each step felt heavier than the last. My shoulders drooped under an invisible weight, and my legs trembled slightly, threatening to give way. Leaning against the door for support, I wondered how I was still upright.
For the first time in such a long time, I finally had a weekend off. I didn’t have to work, studying was manageable, and I had no commitments. How did I end up having a whole bunch of commitments?
As the sun climbed higher the next day, my patience wore thinner. The car ride with Vicky stretched endlessly, each minute ticking by like an hour. Her words blurred into a background hum as I nodded mechanically, too exhausted to engage. Her enthusiasm for shopping felt like a whirlwind pulling me along, and before I knew it, the clock had raced to early afternoon. I arrived at my parents' doorstep feeling like I'd been swept through a storm.
It was great to see my family and even if they could be intense and annoying, there was a lot of love.
When my mum vanished in the kitchen for a moment, my grandmother asked how I was doing.
Like being on autopilot, I said, “I’m great, how are you?”
But she didn’t seem to believe me. Raising one eyebrow, she asked again. “How are you really?”
I looked her deep in the eyes for a moment and then blurted, “I’m tired, I’m exhausted. And I really, really wanted this weekend for myself. I wanted to relax and enjoy life again, but suddenly I found myself committing to pick up friends, help move furniture, even coming here…” I trailed off, feeling a hint of regret. I quickly added, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you…” My grandmother waved her hand at me. That was her signal to shut me up.
“Honey, it sounds like, you don’t know how to set boundaries.” Taken aback, I looked at her in disbelief. Did she just say that? Before I could question it any further, she continued, “I know it is hard, and it may seem rude, but you need to come first. You can’t please them all. You can’t say yes to everything and everyone. How are you going to take good care of someone if you can’t even take care of yourself? All your energy is going to others. No wonder, you’re so tired and exhausted.” She smiled.
I was surprised at the turn of events. I had never had such a conversation with my grandmother. I felt instant relief, and gratitude. She seemed to understand. Yet, she had a point. I was pleasing them all. I nodded, understanding what she was saying.
Then I wondered, “But why is it so hard to say no?”
She smiled again, always having the right answer prepared. “Because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re afraid someone won’t like you anymore or hold it against you. But sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves, and if it’s for a good reason, then no one will ever hold it against you. In fact, anyone should understand.”
In that moment, my mum called me from the kitchen, “Amelia, hun, could you help me with the dishes?” I sighed, feeling more tired just of the thought of getting up. Looking at my grandmother, she lifted one eyebrow again.
I smiled, knowing what she wanted me to do, and I called back, “Sorry, mum, it has to wait. I’m just having an important conversation with grandma.”
What are the learnings from Amelia’s story?
As Amelia, individuals with people-pleasing behaviour neglect their own wellbeing. This behaviour can impact one’s mental health, contributing to stress, anxiety, and even depression.
Seeking external validation, or approval, avoiding conflict, and fearing rejection or disapproval are common motivators for people-pleasers to go great lengths to make others happy.
Amelia can clearly not say “no” or set boundaries. She is frustrated and angry with herself for not being able to. It all leads to overcommitment and exhaustion.
While kindness and consideration for others are valuable traits, it’s important not to prioritize them at the expense of your own mental and emotional health. Learning to set and communicate boundaries is crucial for breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and maintaining healthy relationships.
As so often, balance is key. Finding a balance between being considerate of others and prioritizing one's own needs and wellbeing goes a long way.