Lily stood barefoot on the beach, feeling the cold sand between her toes. She brought her dog, a border collie named Skye. Unleashed, he was running around, enjoying every moment. He loved the beach and looked incredibly happy. The beach was deserted on this early Wednesday morning, and Lily had taken the day off. She’d been feeling kind of … off lately. It was a somewhat unsettling feeling, but she couldn’t quite pinpoint the cause. Spending the day out with Skye would hopefully help solve the puzzle, or at least uplift her mood. Perhaps even both.
Spotting a stick nearby, Lily tossed it into the water, knowing Skye loved to swim. A tinge of regret momentarily crossed her mind, thinking about him getting wet and sandy. But as she watched Skye bunny hop through the water, stick clutched in his mouth, the regret faded away. ‘Definitely worth it,’ she thought, smiling.
Taking a deep breath, Lily absorbed the beauty around her—the rising sun over the water, the salty air, and the cold, but refreshing touch of the waves on her feet. It gave her a feeling of satisfaction, but somehow not quite happiness. As she observed Skye chasing after the stick in the water, he certainly was the happiest dog in this moment. Lily couldn't help but wonder why she didn't feel the same.
She remembered being just like Skye when she was a kid. She used to run excitedly over the sand dunes and pause for a moment to take in the vastness of the space – the space of freedom. The beach always appeared so immense, stretching wide and long. There were no cars, no houses, no doors, and no fences. Just an expansive, open space to roam freely. And that's exactly what she used to do. From the sand dunes, she would sprint as if being chased by a swarm of bees, reaching the water's edge to play in the sand, toss mud around, swim, dive – she had done it all. Lily remembered how effortless it felt. So light. With no responsibilities, she had experienced pure happiness.
Now, she was back on the beach, but why didn't it feel as effortless and light? She had taken the day off, her dog was well taken care of, her partner Jamie was safe and sound at work, and she had already prepared dinner for tonight. So, she literally had no responsibilities for today.
It felt like searching for that one missing puzzle piece – the missing link that completes the picture. Perhaps you've experienced that sensation before. When you've finished a puzzle, only to discover that there's one piece missing. You start searching it everywhere, on the floor, under the couch, in the puzzle box, you even question your dog if he’s eaten it. It can drive you insane because you've invested so much effort into completing the puzzle, and yet there's one crucial piece missing. To make it worse, it's right in the middle of the puzzle.
Lily had put a lot of effort into the life she was living now. She had always wanted to live a happy, fulfilling life.
So, what was the missing piece?
As she kept strolling along the beach, occasionally tossing a stick for Skye to fetch, her phone beeped. She pulled it out of her pocket to see a message from her best friend, Emily. "Hey! How's your day off?" the message read. Lily quickly replied, "It's okay! I'm on the beach with Skye."
Before she could tuck her phone away, it beeped once more. “Sounds amazing. But you didn’t convince me there. Everything ok?” Lily was surprised how well Emily understood her. “Yeah, I suppose. I’m just trying to find out why I’m not as happy as Skye is!” She texted and added a laughing emoji. Another beep. “Isn’t it obvious?” Was all the text said.
‘Well, not to me’, Lily thought, with a hint of annoyance. But before she could reply, Emily’s next message popped up on the chat. “Let go of past experiences, stay in the present moment. ENJOY and STOP trying to control every moment of your life!”
Control? What did Emily mean by that? Lily stared at her phone in confusion. Suddenly, she was startled by Skye's bark. He had brought the stick right to her feet, eager to chase it again. Lily took her eyes off the phone, remembering why she brought him. Skye was looking at her, tongue hanging out of his mouth, breathing quickly, full of expectation. She tucked her phone away and grabbed the stick. Skye's tail wagged furiously as he barked again, ready for another exhilarating chase. Without hesitation, Lily hurled the stick, and Skye was gone, as quick as the wind. "Stay in the moment," Emily had advised. ‘Okay, that sounds simple enough,’ Lily thought as she continued her walk. But what did Emily mean by "controlling"? And letting go of her past experiences? ‘I'm not a control freak!’ Lily thought defensively. But then she thought about it on a deeper level. It reminded her of that one time when Jamie had accused her of being too controlling. They had invited friends over for dinner, and Lily had insisted on taking charge of every detail. She had to select the perfect wine, prepare the right food, and set the table in the right way. "Why does everything have to be under your control?" Jamie had said. "Because I want it to be perfect!" Lily had replied agitated. "I want everything to be perfect, so nothing goes wrong, and we can all have a joyful and amazing time!" At that moment, she couldn't understand why Jamie couldn't grasp her perspective.
But now, thinking about it, Lily realized that she could only find happiness if everything was perfect and nothing could potentially go wrong. And then, it suddenly clicked into place.
She remembered a particular evening when she had gathered with some of the girls around a bonfire on the beach. She had been a teenager back then – still being incredibly happy to be on the beach – and the time spent with her friends had been absolutely magical. She could recall returning home with a wide smile on her face, simply feeling pure happiness and joy. But as soon as she had stepped through the front door, her older brother had hurried down the stairs. "Oh, there you are! I’ve been trying to reach you," he had exclaimed with a distressed and almost anxious look on his face. "Keep your shoes on; we need to leave." He had walked past her, to grab his keys, but Lily had grasped her brother's arm and turned him around. "Jack, I don’t understand. What’s going on?"
She had looked at his face, and in that moment, all her happiness had vanished. Never before had she seen her brother so scared. He had taken a deep breath, struggling to find the right words. It had been as if he didn't want to bear the burden of delivering the news. But eventually, he had uttered the words, "Dad had a heart attack. He's in the hospital, and mum is already on her way there."
It must’ve been since that moment, Lily had transformed into both a perfectionist and a control freak. The astonishing part was, that it happened without her noticing. It was like an obsession driven by her subconscious, a desperate desire to control her own happiness. And now it all made sense. If she could control her own happiness, she would never have to experience the feeling of the ground crumbling beneath her feet. This way, she was able to protect herself from experiencing that same pain again. That sadness. That fear. Or whichever feeling it may be in the future. But what she also realized was that it came with a great loss. She wouldn’t let herself feel truly happy again. When she looked back at the time with the girls on the beach, she remembered how it felt to feel true joy. She missed it.
By realizing and becoming aware of her situation, Lily knew she had to do something about it. ‘I cannot deny myself happiness out of fear of the unknown,’ she resolved. After all, you never know what will happen in the next moment, hour, day, month or year. ‘So, why would I take away my own happiness from myself?’, she thought. ‘If something tragic happens, I’ll be sad regardless.’
So, why wait for the next bad event to happen? Why not let go of the fear, of the control? Why not enjoy every single moment instead?
Now, Emily's words became clear to her. However, letting go of her past experiences and transforming her way of life she had been living for such a long time would require effort and dedication. Accepting things beyond her control seemed even more challenging. Lily could already feel the fear that came with the thought of letting go of control.
The good thing was that by finding the missing puzzle piece, Lily allowed herself to stay in the present moment and enjoy the walk on the beach with Skye, despite the knowledge that she had a long journey ahead of her to finally find true happiness again.
What are the learnings from Lily’s story?
Be receptive to feedback from others, as they may notice patterns or behaviours that escape your own awareness. Their insights can help you become conscious of underlying issues.
Strive to recognize instances where you may be holding yourself back and trace them back to past experiences that might be influencing your need for control.
Understand that letting go is difficult and will require patience and practice. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion along the way.
Nearly everyone has experienced some form of trauma during their lifetime, which can have a profound impact on their happiness and overall life. Recognizing and addressing this trauma is crucial for rediscovering happiness.
We often find ourselves trapped in the mindset of "I'll be happy when (I have a million dollars in my bank account/ own a property/ paid off the mortgage/ graduate/ get the promotion)." However, the reality is that there will always be something in our external world that we won't be satisfied with. Ultimately, true happiness and inner peace already reside within us, and we need to find a way to tap into it.
Have you ever had any experiences with controlling your own happiness?