"John," I heard my name in the distance. I was walking through a forest, but I had no idea which one or in which direction I was headed. All I could focus on was the big trees surrounding me. "John," I heard my name again, this time louder and more urgent. I was about to turn around when I felt a hand on my shoulder. "John!" I opened my eyes, lying in bed, staring into my partner's eyes, Sara. I blinked at her, confused. Why did she wake me up? I couldn't recall my dream, but I remembered feeling at peace. Sensing my confusion, Sara explained, "John, it's quarter past 8. You overslept, and you'll be late for work." It all came flooding back to me. I had been working late the night before, building a new bar for the garage. I couldn't recall when I'd gone to bed, as I'd lost track of time. Sara had already been sound asleep. She was already dressed for work and opened the curtains, blinding me with the bright light. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and checked my phone. "Shoot," I sighed. "Well, I gotta go, hun. Don't forget to eat, or at least grab something to take away." Sara kissed me goodbye and left. With another sigh and one last look at the time, I got up and ready for work. I had no time to prepare breakfast, so I ran past the kitchen and out of the house. By the time I reversed out of the driveway, I was awake and in work mode. It felt good.
While driving, I read through some emails and messages I'd received during the night, replying to some of them while sitting at a traffic light. This was what I called good time management. With this already ticked off my list, I would have more time at the office for all my other tasks. I was hoping to leave early, so I could finish my projects at home.
Upon arriving at my office building, I took the stairs instead of the elevator to get some exercise done early. It meant I didn't have to worry about it later. My office was on the fourth floor, and with my phone in hand, replying to another email that just came through, I walked up at a brisk pace, enough to get my heart rate up without starting to sweat in my suit. This was good. Just before opening the office door, I took a couple of deep breaths to slow down my heart rate, then put on a smile and went in.
This was pretty much every morning. I woke up feeling tired and exhausted, rushing to work, constantly working, and hardly eating. My most frequently used sentence these days was “Sorry, I can't, I don't have time." The odd thing, it all felt good.
Around lunchtime, I received a message from Sara. “I’m already back home. We didn’t have much going on today.” Good for her. Surely, she could use the time to get other things done at home. Glancing at the time, I decided to quickly call her before my next meeting.
She answered after the second ring. “Hey, I just texted you.” “Yeah, I read that. Everything okay?” “Yes, we didn’t have much going on all morning, and there are only a few clients coming this afternoon, so I wasn’t needed. I told my manager, I’m happily going home early!” She laughed. “Oh that’s great! I’m happy it worked out that way.” I genuinely felt happy for her, although such a situation would never occur in my job.
“How’s your day going?” she asked. “It’s busy. I have another meeting shortly. What are you planning to do with all that free time?” “Hm…Good question.” I could hear her the smile in her voice. “Honestly, I think, I’m not gonna do anything.” I was confused. “What do you mean?” “You know, I’m going to do nothing. Just sit with myself and enjoy the sun.” “But surely, you’ll read something. Like an article… or a biography or something.” I mean, obviously you got to do something?! She hesitated. “No, John, I’m not going to read anything. I simply want to enjoy the sun.” I stared blankly at my screen for a moment, realizing she wouldn’t see it. Then I replied, “I don’t get you. What a waste of time! You know, we don’t live forever, right? You’ve been given this free time, and you could do anything with it. You could start learning a new language or a new skill. Or get some exercise done. You know, you really shouldn’t waste your time like that.” I hoped, I could talk some sense into her. I could hear her exhale. “Look John, I don’t think you understand. This is an act of self-care. I don’t need to constantly be doing something. I’m allowed to give my body and mind a rest.” Self-care? Doing nothing? “You can’t be serious?” She clearly must be kidding. “No, I’m dead serious. I would appreciate it if you could understand.” She answered, and I sensed a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Listen Sara, I just don’t get it. It sounds like a huge waste of time to me. Just sitting around and doing nothing, when you could be learning something new or finishing another project. I just–“ Sara interrupted me. “Stop it, John. Just stop it.” Was she angry? Before I could say anything, she continued. “You know, you don’t have to understand everything. You don’t have to make sense of everything. Just accept it and move on. If you constantly want to learn, please go for it. But I don’t. And I don’t appreciate you making me feel bad about it. I can do whatever I want. If doing nothing feels right to me, then it is the right thing to do. Clearly, we disagree on this topic, and for now, I’m done with this conversation.” And with that, she hung up.
I just shook my head and prepared myself for the upcoming meeting. “Hey, everything alright?” My colleague peeked from around the corner of his cubicle. “Yeah, yeah, I was just chatting to my partner and believe it or not, but she finished work early and now she’s just sitting around doing nothing.” I shook my head once more, unable to comprehend it. “Doing nothing is such a complete waste of time.” I glanced at my colleague, who simply shrugged and returned to his work.
Going home looked the same as going to work, with me rushing through traffic to beat yesterday's time, to have an extra minute to read an article. Was I stressed? Maybe. But I enjoyed working, and it always gave me a good feeling, like a rush of joy. I wasn't able to leave the office early today, but I even got work done that was not due for another week, so it didn't bother me much. When I got home after a 10-hour day, it was already quite late.
Walking through the front door, I was greeted by the pleasant aroma of freshly cooked food, which made me realize how hungry I was. Sara wasn't in the kitchen, but instead sitting on the couch, reading a book. "Hey," I said while answering an email. "Hey," she replied without looking up from her book. I looked at her. "What are you doing?" She turned her gaze towards me and raised her eyebrows, her lips pressed together in a line. I quickly realized the answer was obvious. "Yes, I know you're reading, but what are you reading?" I asked. "A novel," she answered. "Is there anything you can learn from it?" I asked in disbelief. "That depends... I mean, I guess... I'm sure I can learn something about how I want to live my life." "Ugh. Wow, really sounds like a bit of a wasteful day that you had there. I got heaps done today. It really makes me feel amazing. Why don't you read a biography of a great scientist?" "Well, no thanks, I enjoy this." "Well, enjoying things won’t get you anywhere and productivity is usually considered more efficient.” She gave me an angry look, and for a second, I was worried she was going to throw that book at me. So, I quickly changed the subject. “Anyway, have you had dinner already?" I asked while walking over to the kitchen and assumed she had eaten.
I returned to my phone, reading an interesting article about the Russian government, while filling my plate with the self-made paella from Sara and heating it up in the microwave. ‘At least I'm learning something here,’ I thought to myself.
The microwave beeped, letting me know my food was warm – or warm enough. I went back to my article while shoveling down the food, with no time to sit down. I had many things on my to-do list left.
"John," I jumped when I saw Sara standing behind me. I stared at her. "What?" She supported her arms and hands on her hips. She looked serious. "We need to talk."
What are the learnings from John's story?
John was rushing through tasks and basically life to get more time, however, he wouldn't spend it consciously and in the Now. He wasn’t able to enjoy life, because of his constant urge to be productive. It's important to take breaks and bring your mind back in the present moment. Only here you can fully enjoy life.
What he describes as a 'rush of joy', is the reward chemical dopamine kicking in. That's why he is constantly looking to achieve/ learn new things to get another 'hit' with this chemical. But the question really is, why does John constantly need dopamine to go through life? What is he really afraid of?
His ego mind tells him to go on and look for more work. As John’s body is in survival mode, the ‘danger’ is still there. Therefore, the only logic solution for the ego mind is to continue. By activating the parasympathetic nervous system or ‘rest & digest’, we can signal our mind that it is safe to let go and rest. There are many different options on how to active the parasympathetic nervous system.
What do you think about 'doing nothing'? Is it a waste of time or is it an act of self-care?