The Truth About Emotional Boundaries: They Don’t Always Feel Good at First
- Carina@Intertwined
- 7 days ago
- 3 min read
You know that feeling when you finally say no - and instead of feeling proud, empowered, or free…you feel awful?
Guilty. Anxious. Second-guessing everything.
Like maybe you’re a terrible person.
Like maybe you should’ve just said yes and kept the peace.
Yeah. That’s boundaries.
Or at least, that’s what they feel like in the beginning.
Why Emotional Boundaries for Healing Are So Hard
Setting emotional boundaries isn’t just about saying no to others - it’s about saying yes to yourself, and that’s often where the real discomfort kicks in.
Because if you’re someone who’s spent your life:
Keeping the peace
Making others comfortable
Being “easy to get along with”
Avoiding conflict
…then boundaries can feel wrong.
Even when they’re healthy.
Even when they’re overdue.
Even when they’re exactly what you need.
We think boundaries will feel empowering. At first, they often just feel lonely
No one really tells you that part.
No one says that after you set a boundary, you might feel like crying.
You might over-explain, backpedal, or lie awake at night wondering if you were too harsh.
You might worry that someone will leave. Or be disappointed. Or think less of you.
And sometimes, they will.
But here’s the thing:
If someone only values you when you overextend yourself - it’s not love. It’s convenience.
Boundaries shake those relationships loose. And that hurts.
But what you’re left with is space. And truth.
And people who respect the real you - not the version of you that abandons yourself to be liked.
What emotional boundaries for healing actually look like
It’s not just saying “no.” Sometimes it looks like:
Not responding to a message right away - or at all
Choosing rest instead of helping someone else move house - again
Not explaining why you’re unavailable
Saying, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now”
Letting someone be disappointed without rushing in to fix it
Leaving when a conversation crosses a line
Deciding you no longer owe certain people access to your life
Boundaries aren’t mean.
They’re not aggressive.
They’re not rejection.
They are how we protect our peace, energy, and emotional safety.
But because most of us were never taught how to set them - or worse, punished when we tried - we associate boundaries with danger or abandonment.
No wonder they don’t feel good.
Healing through boundaries isn’t just about others - it’s about relearning what you deserve
At their core, emotional boundaries for healing are about self-relationship.
They teach you:
That you are allowed to take up space
That you don’t need to earn rest or respect
That you can disappoint someone and still be a good person
That love doesn’t mean self-erasure
And this isn’t something you master in a day.
It’s a practice. A muscle. One you strengthen every time you choose yourself - even when your heart’s pounding, even when you want to back down.
How to sit with the discomfort
Here’s the part no one glamorizes in the self-help world:
Boundaries can feel awful at first.
You may feel guilt, grief, confusion. You may feel like you’ve lost something - because sometimes, you have.
But here’s the truth:
That discomfort isn’t a sign you’ve done something wrong.
It’s a sign you’re breaking a pattern.
And yes, breaking patterns feels scary - because they once kept you safe. But they’re not keeping you free.
So when the discomfort comes, breathe.
Remind yourself that healing often feels worse before it feels better.
You’re not being selfish. You’re being sovereign.
A Final Reflection:
What’s one small boundary you’ve been afraid to set - not because it’s wrong, but because it’s unfamiliar?
Write it down.
Name it.
And when you’re ready - practice it, just once.
You don’t have to do it perfectly.
You just have to show up for yourself a little more than you did yesterday.
That’s where healing begins.
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