This is a two part story. If you haven't read Part 1 yet, click here.
“John,” I jumped when I saw Sara standing behind me. I stared at her. “What?” She supported her arms and hands on her hips. She looked serious. “We need to talk.”
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. “What now? You know I'm busy. I have heaps of articles to read and really need to finish the bar in the garage.” “Actually, I want to talk about you becoming increasingly busy.” I sighed. ‘Oh, here we go,’ I thought. “Look, could it wait ‘till tomorrow? I can come home a bit earlier since I’ve already finished the report for next week,” I suggested. She let out a sigh and lowered her gaze to the floor. She seemed disappointed. I couldn’t understand why. Nevertheless, I said, “I’ll make some time tomorrow after work, okay? But right now, I really need to focus on the project in the garage.” As I passed by her, plate and phone in hand, I gave her a kiss on the cheek. On my way to the garage, I took a few bites of food, before setting it down, unfinished. I reminded myself to have a few more bites here and there. The bar still required a lot of work – I had to cut some wood, varnish it, and assemble it. Since it was already quite late, and I didn’t want to disturb the neighbours with the noise of the chainsaw, I decided to varnish the already cut pieces. The work was somewhat mind numbing, so I connected my phone to the speaker. I couldn’t decide between listening to an audiobook or a podcast, but ultimately chose a podcast about finances and investments.
After tidying up, I noticed my food was still sitting on the workbench – long cold. I quickly grabbed it before leaving the garage. Feeling exhaustion now in almost every muscle and bone, I had no appetite, so I tossed the plate in kitchen sink. ‘I’ll deal with it tomorrow’, I told myself, glancing at the kitchen clock. It was already past midnight. Sara would be asleep by now.
I stood in the kitchen, taking a moment to reflect. It had been a fairly successful day. However, in that very moment, I realized, it didn’t bring me any joy. I simply felt exhausted. A thought crossed my mind: ‘Why not go for a run around the block? That would certainly make me feel better!’ I let out a sigh. It was already the middle of the night. Going for a run now? Why was I even considering it?
‘Because you want to feel good, and exercise will provide you that feeling’, I answered my own question.
Yawning, I shook my head, attempting to get the idea out of it, and went upstairs to take a shower. As soon as my head hit the pillow, with Sara sound asleep beside me, my thoughts started racing like shooting stars. I pondered the things I accomplished and the things I could have done better. I got stuck on the things I didn’t do, and what I should do tomorrow. Usually, I would keep a stash of sleeping pills on my nightstand, but upon checking I realized I had used them all. A small wave of panic washed over me. With a swift motion, I cast the duvet aside, sitting on the bed side for a moment. Being in a lying position, I found myself unable to bear the weight of my thoughts. 'How do I make them stop?', I wondered. I needed an alternative to the sleeping pills, I needed an escape, and I needed it right now. My legs felt tired, almost numb. I rubbed my hands over my face, feeling the exhaustion deeply, but knowing without any pills I wouldn't be able to sleep. I decided that some painkillers would probably be the best option. They would help me fall asleep as well as promise some pain relief. For some magical reason, my legs carried me to the bathroom, where I found them in a drawer. They weren't the strongest, which is why I instinctively reached for two. And they worked. I didn’t recall looking at the time, but somehow, I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning started much like the previous one. Sara shook me awake. “John, wake up.” Half asleep, I struggled to open my eyes, but everything remained blurry, so I closed them again. “John”, Sara shook my shoulders more vigorously. “John, are you planning to stay home today?” I responded with a grunting noise. Of course, I wouldn’t stay home. But I was so tired. I just wanted and needed another minute.
“Listen, John, this time I overslept. I’m late for work. And so are you.” Sara urgently informed me. My eyes shot open. Sara was never late for work. I watched as she got up to open the curtains, the bright light momentarily blinding me, making it even harder to keep my eyes open. “What’s the time?” I asked in a drowsy state, attempting to sit up.
“It’s almost 9am”, she replied. I sighed. “Darn it. I am really late.” “Listen, I woke up briefly around 1.30am and you weren’t even in bed yet. I don't remember you coming in, but it must've been quite late. Just please don’t forget that I really want to talk to you this afternoon.”
1.30am?! For how long had I been standing in the kitchen? Or did I actually go for a run? Or was it all just a dream? I couldn’t grasp a clear thought; everything seemed blurry, fading away. “I’m off to work. See you later.” Without waiting for a response, Sara was gone. No kiss, no “I love you”.
Was I losing her? I couldn’t think straight, so I decided to get up and get ready for work.
Just like yesterday, by the time I reached the end of the driveway, I was in “go-mode”. Suddenly, it was easy to focus, the thoughts were much clearer. It felt good to keep moving, to start thinking about the emails, considering my responses, and planning the next steps as I rushed through the streets to the office. It gave me some sort of rush. It was less traffic, which was a relief, but it also meant I couldn’t reply to as many emails as usual.
Knowing that Sara wanted to talk about something in the evening, I took my time at the office. I knew it was important to her, even though it felt like a waste of time to me. If I could push it to the weekend, it wouldn’t bother me. However, a feeling in my gut told me that I wouldn’t be able to get out of it.
By the time I arrived home, somewhat earlier than yesterday, but still late, Sara was already waiting for me in the kitchen. A hint of regret for not staying longer at the office briefly crossed my mind. However, when I looked at her face – so worried and sad – all of that regret quickly washed away.
“Hey”, I said. “Hey”, she replied. She nervously bit her bottom lip, as if unsure of how to begin. For a brief moment, we simply gazed at each other in silence, both waiting for the other to break it. Finally, she spoke up. “Can we talk now?” I just nodded. Realizing that she needed to get something off her chest. “John, what is really going on with you? You've become a workaholic, you're constantly on your phone, you're addicted to being busy!”
Workaholic... Addicted to being busy... What the heck was she talking about? But she would surely explain more.
“When was the last time you and I had fun together? When was the last time we spent even quality time together? You're either working on something, reading one article after another, rushing through the house to get things done, or scrolling through social media. When are you gonna give it a rest? When do you think it's time to give your brain a break from the continuous flow of information?”
She was getting upset. How long had she been carrying this on her shoulders? I took a deep breath. Did she have a point? No, she was clearly overreacting. The next thing she said made me wonder if she could read my mind.
“Look, I know you think I'm overreacting. I know you think I'm reading into things and this is just an attention-seeking drama. But honestly, it's not. I'm really worried about you. I want you to be happy, I want us to be happy. And I really wish you would look at me the way you used to when we first met.” Tears started to roll down her cheeks. It made me sad seeing her upset. I did want to make her happy. Of course, I did; I loved her. Had I lost that goal out of sight?
When I looked at her beautiful face, with her chestnut brown hair and her gorgeous brown eyes, I realized I had been neglecting her for quite some time. I wanted to embrace her in a hug, but I was suddenly afraid she wouldn't want it and would reject me. So, instead I asked softly, “Should we just sit on the couch for a while and talk?” She nodded and wiped away some tears. When we sat down, I realized that I hadn't sat comfortably in a very long time. I didn't know what to say at first and wanted to give her a chance to calm down. That's when I noticed a strange feeling. There was a tingling in my neck and fingers, and I heard a voice in my head. “What a waste of time,” it said. “You need to stay busy. Being busy is what feels good, that is what makes you feel alive!” The voice was almost screaming at me, urging me to get back to work. The feeling was so intense it made my fingers nearly twitch. It took an immense amount of effort not to let my knee bounce up and down rapidly.
At the same time, I felt a physical ache throughout my body. I was exhausted and every muscle, joint, and bone hurt. The soreness was in my back, neck, and head. Suddenly, I could feel it everywhere. My stomach felt uncomfortable from either shoveling down food earlier or not eating at all and feeling hungry. I couldn’t tell. It seemed like every time I was not doing anything, my mind would go numb, some sort of brain fog, where I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t hold on to any clear thoughts. ‘What is going on with me?’ I asked myself now. That's when I realized; Sara wasn’t the only one I had been neglecting. I also neglected myself.
It was as if Sara knew exactly what was going on in my mind. She reached for my hand, offering a comforting touch. This time, tears filled my eyes, and when I looked at her, I knew I could trust her. I knew she could hold me and support me. I could feel it. She was so incredibly strong, and I certainly didn't want to lose her.
So, I took another deep breath and with all my inner strength, I said, “I need help”, knowing that my life would change for the better from this moment on.
What are the learnings from John's story?
Addiction to busyness and overvaluing work can really impact your relationships, as well as your personal wellbeing. It can contribute to burnout, stress, and a lack of fulfillment in other areas. Self-reflection and becoming aware as well as openly communicate to someone may help get you support to overcome this addiction and start enjoying life again.
John is avoiding hard conversations, as well as being by himself without any activity. It creates discomfort in him and busying himself with work or projects distracts him from what is really going on. During the night he is dependent on some form of drugs to numb his physical pain and to silence his mind. What is he really running away from? Which feelings cause him unbearable pain, so that he is either constantly distracting himself or numbing it?
If you experience any similar symptoms, you need to know that you are not alone. If you do not have anyone in your closest circle you can trust, please find help with any of the listed support lines or online. There is no shame in admitting that help is needed. Life is indeed hard and you certainly don't have to do it by yourself.
Lifeline Helpline NZ 0800 543 354 or text 4357 |
Lifeline Helpline Australia 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14 |